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Who I'm voting for
Oct. 22nd, 2007 07:06 pmEmperor of Mankind Announces Candidacy for President
WASHINGTON - In a move that shocked many Washington Insiders, The Emperor of Mankind (Immortal Master of All Humanity) announced that he will seek the Presidency in the upcoming 2008 elections.
"The time has come for my reign to begin." announced the Emperor at an 8:00am press conference outside his home near Arlington Virginia with his wife Connie at his side. "Dallying with a series of petulant and ineffective rulers tires me. This nation, and this world shall be mine, and I will lead humanity into a new golden age."
The Emperor wasted no time outlining several broad policies for the future of the country.
"I shall lead this nation forward without hesitation. The enemies of the United States will be ground beneath the heels of my legions. I will spread the flag of my new Imperium to the four corners of the globe and will unite humanity under the standard of the Eagle and the Thunderbolt. All that choose to join me in my crusade will see a humanity that has been blessed with a glorious new age. All that oppose me shall be brought low"
Along with the Emperor's promises on a firmer and more aggressive foreign policy, the Emperor also outlined sweeping plans to improve social security, expand health care, reducing the national debt and providing for government sanctioned maternity leave for pregnant mothers.
Few had speculated that the Emperor would add his weight to an already crowded Presidential field. Experts claim that the Emperor was likely driven by a general sense of voter apathy concerning the candidates from both parties.
"He's announcing a bit late, but it might be the right time for him." said Political Science professor Mary Dobson of Princeton, "Few voters have found a candidate that they can identify in the upcoming elections, and the Emperor appeals to many voters desire for something different. It will be interesting to see how public opinion swings once the debate season heats up."
The announcement met with a mixed response from the 2008 Presidential field.
"He's an interesting man, but there's a difference between talk and a proven record of leadership." quipped Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani, "I was the mayor of a major metropolitan area during the greatest crisis this nation has ever faced. Other than giving himself a lofty title of 'Emperor' what has he done that qualifies him to be President of the United States?"
Giuliani's challenge to the Emperor was echoed by Arizona Senator John McCain who called on him to "Attend tonight's Republican debate and explain just how his plans to deal with international terrorism and the Iraq war are superior."
McCain also attacked the Emperor's plan to create an army of genetically enhanced super soldiers to defeat his enemies, calling it a "Tax and spend boondoggle that could sink the entire economy." he also asked, "What is a 'Primarch' anyway? It sounds as if the Emperor is just creating pink elephants to distract the American people from what is essentially hollow policy."
When asked to comment on McCain's challenge, the Emperor produced the severed head of Al Queda leader Osama bin Laden and threw it to the ground in front of startled reporters.
"My qualifications speak for themselves." announced the Emperor. Republican candidates could not be reached for any further comments.
The Emperor faired little better on the Democratic side of the aisle. While most Democratic candidates could not be reached for comment, front runner Hillary Clinton was quick to attack the Emperor.
"The Emperor may say he's an alternative, but he's really just more of the same." she explained, "We've had four years of an overly aggressive foreign policy overextending our reach and distracting us from taking care of things that matter to everyday Americans. This call for a 'Great Crusade' is pure and simple Imperialism. What else would you expect from a man who calls himself an 'Emperor'?"
The Emperor's response to Clinton was surprisingly candid.
"You may call my policies Imperialist because they are just that. I will not rest until all of mankind is united under my banner and the very stars are filled with the light of humanity. Raise high the Aquilla my children, none shall stand before might of Terra!"
The Emperor then went on to promise firm leadership with a strong encouragement of family values. He also promised to "throw all religion onto the ash heap of history" and swore that he would not rest "until the last priest is cleansed by the blinding light of Imperial Truth." a promise that is sure to trouble many Conservative Christians.
"He's got a long way to go with the religious right, but I think he has a chance." speculated Dobson, "He's charismatic and he believes very strongly in what he's doing. Also, voters will find the honesty he's delivered so far to be a refreshing change from business as usual in Washington."
WASHINGTON - In a move that shocked many Washington Insiders, The Emperor of Mankind (Immortal Master of All Humanity) announced that he will seek the Presidency in the upcoming 2008 elections.
"The time has come for my reign to begin." announced the Emperor at an 8:00am press conference outside his home near Arlington Virginia with his wife Connie at his side. "Dallying with a series of petulant and ineffective rulers tires me. This nation, and this world shall be mine, and I will lead humanity into a new golden age."
The Emperor wasted no time outlining several broad policies for the future of the country.
"I shall lead this nation forward without hesitation. The enemies of the United States will be ground beneath the heels of my legions. I will spread the flag of my new Imperium to the four corners of the globe and will unite humanity under the standard of the Eagle and the Thunderbolt. All that choose to join me in my crusade will see a humanity that has been blessed with a glorious new age. All that oppose me shall be brought low"
Along with the Emperor's promises on a firmer and more aggressive foreign policy, the Emperor also outlined sweeping plans to improve social security, expand health care, reducing the national debt and providing for government sanctioned maternity leave for pregnant mothers.
Few had speculated that the Emperor would add his weight to an already crowded Presidential field. Experts claim that the Emperor was likely driven by a general sense of voter apathy concerning the candidates from both parties.
"He's announcing a bit late, but it might be the right time for him." said Political Science professor Mary Dobson of Princeton, "Few voters have found a candidate that they can identify in the upcoming elections, and the Emperor appeals to many voters desire for something different. It will be interesting to see how public opinion swings once the debate season heats up."
The announcement met with a mixed response from the 2008 Presidential field.
"He's an interesting man, but there's a difference between talk and a proven record of leadership." quipped Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani, "I was the mayor of a major metropolitan area during the greatest crisis this nation has ever faced. Other than giving himself a lofty title of 'Emperor' what has he done that qualifies him to be President of the United States?"
Giuliani's challenge to the Emperor was echoed by Arizona Senator John McCain who called on him to "Attend tonight's Republican debate and explain just how his plans to deal with international terrorism and the Iraq war are superior."
McCain also attacked the Emperor's plan to create an army of genetically enhanced super soldiers to defeat his enemies, calling it a "Tax and spend boondoggle that could sink the entire economy." he also asked, "What is a 'Primarch' anyway? It sounds as if the Emperor is just creating pink elephants to distract the American people from what is essentially hollow policy."
When asked to comment on McCain's challenge, the Emperor produced the severed head of Al Queda leader Osama bin Laden and threw it to the ground in front of startled reporters.
"My qualifications speak for themselves." announced the Emperor. Republican candidates could not be reached for any further comments.
The Emperor faired little better on the Democratic side of the aisle. While most Democratic candidates could not be reached for comment, front runner Hillary Clinton was quick to attack the Emperor.
"The Emperor may say he's an alternative, but he's really just more of the same." she explained, "We've had four years of an overly aggressive foreign policy overextending our reach and distracting us from taking care of things that matter to everyday Americans. This call for a 'Great Crusade' is pure and simple Imperialism. What else would you expect from a man who calls himself an 'Emperor'?"
The Emperor's response to Clinton was surprisingly candid.
"You may call my policies Imperialist because they are just that. I will not rest until all of mankind is united under my banner and the very stars are filled with the light of humanity. Raise high the Aquilla my children, none shall stand before might of Terra!"
The Emperor then went on to promise firm leadership with a strong encouragement of family values. He also promised to "throw all religion onto the ash heap of history" and swore that he would not rest "until the last priest is cleansed by the blinding light of Imperial Truth." a promise that is sure to trouble many Conservative Christians.
"He's got a long way to go with the religious right, but I think he has a chance." speculated Dobson, "He's charismatic and he believes very strongly in what he's doing. Also, voters will find the honesty he's delivered so far to be a refreshing change from business as usual in Washington."
